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Full body sex massages from exotic Asian and local girls(18+) with a happy ending? Tell me more, PornDude!
I guess you're looking for a handjob, but you're too lazy to jack yourself off and you want someone else to wank your dick? I got you, bro! Let me introduce you to these sensuous places near you, where your sexual fantasy meets reality and where you can find a "rub & tug" happy end. It is not your regular list of local "sensual" massage parlors in your area, where you can send your girlfriend to get rid of her cellulite. Generally, these relaxing places are not at all for women, but things can happen regarding male masseurs and vaginal techniques.
Hey, we don't want some lesbian feminists to start bitching about equal female rights, so yes, kinky ladies in heat that are looking for a dude to play with their vulva are welcome here too! Which politician actually allowed these bitches out of the kitchen? Hillary Clinton? It certainly ain't Donald Trump that encouraged emancipation! He would make America great again! The Trumpinator would grab them by the pussy, show their place and say "Where's my sandwich?"!
What kind of XXX massages can I choose?
To be more precise, in this category on my porn list, you will have websites that will give you maps and addresses to reach the most exquisite parlors, including saunas and jacuzzis. And when I say exquisite, I am elegant. The correct term would be erotic massage parlors with a happy ending. Some of these adult places even offer full sex massages, if you know what I mean?
I'm a big fan of tantra and slippery Nuru massages myself. I love how they rub their naked soapy tits against my chest (body to body massages), while their big titties are all covered in hot oil and titty fuck my hard dick finishing with a squeezing handjob, until cumshot! I also recommend trying out a footjob. Vietnamese, Filipina and Thai ladies are experts, when it comes to rubbing your dick with their feet, until orgasm!
Or what about a Japanese sakura or prostate massage? Ever let a chick stick a finger in your anus for sexual stimulation, after a shower? Anyways, make sure to check out the AAMPMaps directory, if you're a fan of Asian massage girls that do "the job" in their own apartment. It's like "the girl next door" experience! Be prepared to hear a lot of "Me so horny, me sucky sucky, me love you long time, mister!", while they play with your genitals.
Example: eFukt(A typical happy ending handjob!)
What kind of "exotic" masseuses can I expect?
You will have multiple search options and you will be able to take a look at your (spa) masseuses online, including reviews of their previous clients to see if they fit your taste and needs. They look like porn actresses and most of them are real Asian babes with big tits, probably from Thailand, China or South Korea. Or North Korea, who knows, maybe they're cock deprived? Then again, why would these Korean women jump fences and risk their lives, when they have supreme leader Kim Jong Un, who was voted as the sexiest man alive in the world?
Anyways, you're able to find detailed information about the parlors (state/city/area/distance) and girls! Example: name, ethnicity (Arab/Asian/Latina/Indian/ebony/black/caucasian girls), age, weight, height, hair color, hair length, breast cup, breast implants, price/fees/rates, incall/outcall, hairy/shaved kitty and a short "about me" intro. You can also find out what sexual acts they allow like a blowjob (with/without condom), rimjob, kissing, anal, multiple pops, type of massage (clothed/topless/nude/body to body/earthquake), cum in mouth (CIM), (tantric) handjob, squirt and pussy/breast/ass play. You can contact them if you have any other special requests that are not listed on their profile.
Fuck, whenever I pay a visit to one of these salons and I see all these hot chink bitches, I think about that legendary hooker scene in the movie "Full Metal Jacket". I'm lying there butt naked, put on the classic "Nancy Sinatra - These Boots Are Made for Walkin" song on my iPod and I get ready for my tugjob. Just like in that flick, I fantasize about asking these Oriental babes what I get for $10 and in my imagination, I expect them to say "Anything you want"! Sadly enough, the times have changed, since 1987 and if you even dare to say "hi" to a chick these days, you probably end up on the sex offenders' list thanks to that woke bullshit.
Link: YouTube (The epic hooker scene in the Hollywood movie “Full Metal Jacket”!)
Luckily enough, Eastern women still know their place in the kitchen and will still do anything to fully sexually satisfy a man. Sure, the razor may not have been invented in that part of the world yet, but you're not forced to eat their hairy slit anyway. Also, don't you love it how they moan like a damn chicken on a farm when you fuck the shit out of them? It kind of sounds like "Oh, shrimp fried rice. Oh, chicken wings!". I always feel like paying a visit to the local KFC fast food restaurant, after I'm done. Hey, it's better than fucking the average naughty American slut, who's probably checking out her Facebook page on her cell phone in the meantime and keeps repeating "Are you done yet?" every 30 seconds.
PornDude, my dick is about to explode! Just give me your conclusion, so I can get to business!
Don't get your hopes up, because pornstar Asa Akira is not there to have sex with you. She is probably making Wicked Pictures rich at this moment. Still, if your mother-in-law has planned a visit and you want to be happy when she comes, get yourself a damn full-service erotic massage with orgasmic tugjob.
Also, for you Russians, Europeans or whatever looking for a sexual massage, I'm going to have to disappoint you. If you're not living in the USA, the current sites are probably pretty useless for you, since all the parlors are located in American states and cities. Then again, this may convince you horndogs to go there on a sex vacation! Oh and please respect their privacy and don't capture videos of the sensual act with a hidden camera in the room!
Bed Page! What could be better than perusing my website, finding a really sweet porn tube full of free smut, and then furiously stroking yourself to a mind-boggling, explosive climax? How about getting some hot slut to do that stroking for you? Maybe you can even upgrade from the handy to a full-fledged, full-completion oral massage. I guess it just depends on what the erotic masseuse happens to be offering and how much cash you’ve got in your pocket. Whatever the case, BedPage can help you find the right massage for your needs and budget. BedPage.com popped up just a couple years ago, perhaps as a response to the crackdown on sites like Craigslist and Backpage. Hell, they’ve got a whole page linked in their footer that goes on about their effectiveness as a Backpage replacement. All those horny Johns and people with chronic knots in their back from desk work had to go somewhere, right? BedPage is pulling a few million hits per month, so it looks like I found where a lot of those displaced users went.
The concept of “Hot” can be hard to define, but erotic massage almost certainly falls under the broad descriptive term. It’s one of those words that take on different connotations depending on who’s saying it. The local weatherman telling you it will be hot out sends a different message than your favorite internet porn mascot saying the same thing. If I’m the guy telling you about the hot massages, it’s a safe bet this isn’t some hippy bullshit where they rub your body with scalding rocks. I’m sure you can get that if you want, but wouldn’t it be nicer if the girl was naked and you got a happy ending? One man’s hot is another man’s frigid; what might give you a boner might make your best friend’s ding-dong shrink back like a frightened turtle. You can burn your tongue on room temperature gazpacho if you were expecting it to be chilled, so expectations also come into play when we’re talking about what’s hot and what’s not. I can tell you this much, though: Hot.com gets millions of visits a month, which means the temperature around here must be nice and toasty. The site has erotic massage classified ads from around the world and all over the internet, making it an excellent place to find a local rubdown after your own hands get tired.
I initially thought RubRankings was going to be another cheap ripoff of ThePornDude, where some boring dude swears a lot while giving his joke-free opinions on free tubes, paysites, and other joints he's rubbed one out to. I was way the fuck off, but can you blame me? I see so many of those guys popping up nowadays that I’m always on guard, even when all that’s slipping into my DMs is an opportunity to get touched tonight. Sorry for the false alarm. In actuality, RubRankings.com is a body rub and Nuru massage directory. They’re a newer site, living on a domain just registered a few months ago, but that hasn’t stopped them from catching the attention of erotic massage fans like myself. All a directory like this really needs to be useful is a good selection of nimble-handed women offering their services in your area, so let’s see who’s on the list, and what other bells and whistles RubRankings has to offer.
Are you looking for a TS Masseur? If not, well, you may have taken a wrong turn somewhere along the line, but I’m sure I have something for you here at ThePornDude if you poke around a bit. Today, I will be talking about professional pokers and prodders, strokers, and suckers—with big dicks, to boot. This next website aims to get you in touch with precisely the tranny rubdown artists, shemale erotic masseurs, and, yeah, TS escorts, too. It’s right there in the name, folks, so there’s really no excuse for any confusion. Of course, not every website lives up to its own self-hype, and that’s why I’ve made it my mission to rank and review these things. Today, we’ll be looking at TSMasseur.com, a massive directory of trans escorts, massage artists, and other penis-related professionals. The joint gets a few hundred thousand visits a month, so I had a feeling going in that the pickings would be good. Well, let’s find out for sure.
Massage Planet! When I get done slapping my meat stick, my thoughts often meander over to my fans. I feel bad for you, poor beta bastards. Not because you fucks never bone chicks or because your such a miserable and lonely chap, although those things ring true. It's because you'll never know what it's like to be me playing pocket pool. I am a master of masturbation. The Jerking Giant My name is The Porndude, for fucks sake. How good do you think I am at masturbating? I'm the goddamn best. No one knows how to massage their twig and berries better than I do. You guys already know that I still fuck sluts every day, but honestly, my hand feels better than most pussies. It certainly doesn't look as sexy as a tight-bodied whore, but it functions better than any gash ever could. If I gave you guys one handjob, you'd all spend the rest of your lives following me around, pleading for a second. I'm sorry, guys. I hate to break it to you, but you're never getting a hand job from me. This hand is going to the grave, having only touched one penis. Mine. However, there is a way you can receive an old-fashioned hand job that's almost as superb as mine. The only thing is, you'll have to get far more comfortable with yourself than you are now. I know self-knowledge is not in my fan's wheelhouse. You fucks all live in the imaginary world of your choosing. It's time to join the real world and get a happy ending from a talented full-service masseuse.
I spoke to my Sex Advisor this morning, and he told me I needed to get laid more often. Beating off into a silicone doll butthole while watching the porn tubes is great fun and all, but sometimes you need to stick your ding-ding inside of something live, wet, and tight. I guess I could try my luck at the local fatties on Tinder again, but what if I’m looking for something a little more, uh, professional? That’s where SexAdvisor.com comes in. It’s a killer domain that’s been kicking around for decades, but its current incarnation is pretty fucking new to the Internet. You know, given the timing, I get the feeling the folks who built it are just as fed up with social distancing as the rest of us. The whole point of the site is to help you find brothels, erotic massages, strip clubs, swinger clubs, and other live, interactive adult entertainment. So let’s see if it’s time to end my dry spell.